Daycare searching

With less than 2 weeks left of my maternity leave, I am on a quest to find daycare. Yes, I know I waited until last minute-that's how I do everything in my life. As I have learned, it's a bit of nightmare. So I started searching on the Dept of Human Services website for registered day-cares. The first couple of places I called were actual centers and charged over $150-$200 a week. A WEEK! That's $600-$800 a month! That's a months rent, two car payments or 3 months of food! If I didn't have tens of thousands of in school debt, I could just be a stay at home mother with those prices. So, obviously centers are not the way for us to go.

Now, I start searching for in-home daycare. I look on Craigslist . This is where it gets interesting. Several of the ads are pretty vague. Some are too detailed, some are just creepy. I found several promising hugs, kisses and snuggles. Of course I want my baby to be loved but the thought of a complete stranger snuggling my daughter gives me the heebee geebees. Some ads specify which gender they prefer-why? I thought this was for daycare, not a personal ad. Anyways, in-home is much cheaper so I am determined to find someone. I had my first interview tonight.

The woman who runs the place is very nice. That's the only thing I liked. I arrived at the home the daycare is set up in. A mobile home in a park not more than a 10 minute drive from our apartment. The woman who answered the door was in her late 30's sporting a Marilyn piercing in her lip.I thought this piercing was only okay on college students or people who have piercings and tattoos all over the place, not middle aged stay at home mothers who have haircuts like the Mom from the Duggar's family on 19 Kids & Counting. As we started the interview, I quickly realized she wasn't what I was looking for. She wasn't registered with DHS, she had no CPR training and her home was, for lack of a better word, trashed. Like I said, she was nice, I guess she had that going for her.

This is a bit discouraging to say the least. Wish me luck on my future interviews.....

A change of plans

When I started college I had a plan. It wasn't much of a plan and it was mostly-go with the flow and see what happens. But, nowhere in that plan did I include becoming a mother. My first thought when I found out I was pregnant was "I've never even changed a diaper." Not excitement or fear or anger or happiness, just straight up cluelessness. I forget to eat or shower myself sometimes, how the hell was I supposed to remember to feed and take care of another human being.

Once I was out of college, my only plan was to get a job. I had thought a lot about marriage and buying a house, but again, I had not put having children high on my list of things to do. My boyfriend, now my husband, and I had talked a lot about getting a dog. We looked into different housing options that would allow us to have a dog. We looked into adopting a dog. We decided on several breeds that we would want. We did our homework. What we got instead was a baby.

When people said that our life as we knew it was over, I knew they were right. What I didn't know was that they meant it in every sense of the word. Emotionally, physically, and mentally my life has changed. Emotionally I feel more love, compassion and warmth. I also got something unexpected though-anger. I've never been an angry person. I've always let things just roll off my shoulders, never let little things bug me. But once I was in my second trimester of pregnancy, I wanted to kill most people. It was almost like all the anger I should've felt throughout my life pre-pregnancy was now coming rushing out. I have road rage. "Fuck you" and "asshole" are now part of my everyday vocabulary. My middle finger has become a very powerful tool. Even though I am not very religious I find myself apologizing to God after I have my anger spouts.

Physically I have changed. Things have shifted and morphed, stretched and relocated. I used to be proud of my nether regions and other womanly parts. Now I am terrified to see myself naked. I thought I was curvy before with child bearing hips. Now I have several children bearing hips. I have what I like to call "mom butt"-it is taller than it is wide, reaching the middle of my back instead of stopping at my hips. Half way through my third trimester I thought I would get away with minimal stretch marks, until one day they seemed to magically quadruple. It now looks like I have flames crawling up the front of my belly. If I am not careful, some of my pants give me a nice Walmart FUPA.

Most of all I have changed mentally. I wonder sometimes if I'm still sane. Other days I think I got it all together and will be alright. Some days I get the mommy blues while others I am so overwhelmed with joy that I think my life will momentarily breakout into a happy musical with people singing and dancing on tables and a parade will come marching through my apartment. My first thought in the morning isn't about coffee and breakfast for myself. It's about poopy diapers and her breakfast. I don't decide what to wear while I am in the shower because I am too busy listening to whether or not I have a screaming baby in the other room. Instead of finding an outfit that makes my butt look nice while still looking professional, I look for something that won't give me a FUPA and that can be changed easily in the event of a poop splatter. My entire day revolves around her.  I even find myself talking in third person, saying "Mommy needs a shower", "Mommy loves you", "Mommy needs a happy pill today."

I am enjoying being a mother, but I have to wonder, will I ever get the non-mother part back? Or is she perpetually lost in the world of mommyhood? Will my wardrobe change? Will my body ever try to correct itself? Will I ever get the chance to get drunk and say something stupid again? Will I ever be as entertained by anything as I am with her? Is it possible to love another child as much as I love her? These are all things I ponder everyday. Where did pre-pregnancy me go?

My world has been turned upside down....

I am officially a new mother. A new mother of a beautiful little girl. After 14+ hours of labor, 2 grueling hours of pushing, too much blood loss, puking my guts out, slipping in and out of consciousness, multiple stitches and reminding myself over and over that it has to be worth it in the end, I am a mother. How terrifying that anyone would let me be responsible for another human being. It took me years to get the hang of keeping houseplants and caged animals alive-I am sure I am the only person who has actually killed a cactus and a gecko, 2 organisms that require only minimal care and responsibility.

Now a little over 3 weeks old, I have learned more from my daughter than I did my entire college career. Providing hands on training, she has taught me that mental breakdowns can come without warning or bias to time and place, changing a diaper should not be a leisurely event, I can still get jealous like a middle schooler, and that daytime TV sucks.

One of my biggest fears when I was pregnant was that having a baby would put strain on my marriage. I was very wrong. My husband and I are closer than ever. I want him more than I ever did and he has been the rock that keeps me grounded in the world of baby. Whenever I feel like throwing her out the window, he reminds me that she can't fly. He knows when I've hit my diaper changing limit and takes the burden of possible blow outs and poop splattered t-shirts. If I'm lacking sleep and start staring at the wall oblivious to the screaming baby in my arms he forces me to bed and knows how to quiet her in his big, strong hands. I could not have done this without him and I am sure I will learn just as much from him as I will from her.

Although I have fallen in love her and I would die for her, she has turned my life into a chaotic, messy, entertaining world and I plan to share it. Here I jump with hesitation, doubt, fear and excitment into the tornado of diapers, screams, tears and laughter of baby......