Dental Disaster

I had a teeth cleaning today. I was thrilled this morning to remember it! I love getting my teeth cleaned. I know, it's weird. I feel clean and lighter afterwards. I was so excited I arrived a few minutes early. I love my usual hygienist, she asks about my daughter and the rest of my family she used to see but now lives out of the state. She's never lectured me and she's never made me feel like I didn't take care of myself. Unfortunately for me, my dental hygienist was running late today so I had someone else.

She asks me about my health and if I'm having any problems. She asks me how often I brush and floss. I brush twice a day and floss about 3 times a week. Personally I think that's huge! I don't think the majority of the population floss 3 times a month! I  was rather proud about how often I floss until today...

She does a once over to make sure everything looks fine. She points out some random "ridge" in one of my teeth, a minuscule fracture in another and a chip in another! After each comment she says "Oh! It's nothing to be worried about though!" How are chips, ridges & fractures in your teeth not something to be worried about!! If they are nothing to be worried about, why did you tell me! I'd rather not know.

Then she goes on about the importantance of flossing and something about bone loss and gum disease because I have a little bleeding after she digs at my gums with one of those hook things. Well of course I have bleeding when you poke at my flesh with a sharp object! Oh yeah, and I'm 25, I know that I am supposed to floss everyday. But thanks for letting me know just in case I didn't learn that the other hundred dental cleanings I've had over the past 25 years.

Poopy Pants

So today I wanted to enjoy the gorgeous Iowa weather. It felt more like the middle of summer rather than the beginnings of spring. I packed up the babe and got her all set up in the stroller. We took a long walk, coming home sweaty & panting. I realized than that what I’ve called physical activity in the last 8 months, most people call sex. Anyway, my walk made me feel great! The best I’ve felt in a long time. I wasn’t exhausted and I was in high spirits. I fed Mia & set her on the kitchen floor with some toys to start on my own dinner. As my pan is heating up for my marinated chicken I hear the infamous grunt and look down to see Mia’s face bright red & squinting. Her pooping face. Figuring it won’t take more than ten minutes to make my dinner, I thought I’d wait until after then chicken’s done to change her diaper. Then I see something on the kitchen floor. Yep. Poop. It seeped out the bottom of her diaper, the bottom on her shorts and was now being smeared with her leg & hand across my kitchen floor. I quick turn off the stove, pick her off the floor and hold her at arm’s length to the bathtub. I bath her and soak her clothes. I try to put pajamas on her, but have to do it while she’s either standing very awkwardly or while she lies on her stomach. I tell you, it’s tricky to zipper PJ’s when there’s a body in the way. I decide I should shower too since I am still sweating like a pig from our walk. I hate taking a shower in her bathroom. Here’s why. My husband works 3^rd shift so he sleeps during the day & evening hours. In our bedroom is also our bathroom, with all of my toiletries. Also, all of our towels.  So out of curtsey, I try not to disturb him. Usually I know when I’m going to shower in her bathroom so I come prepared. Today I wasn’t. So, I used baby shampoo & baby wash. I dried off with a hooded towel that was barely large enough to cover my butt. I combed my hair with a tiny baby comb. And I pulled my hair back with a purple plastic hair clip that has birds on it. It’s almost bedtime when I finally get to eat my dinner. She fights sleep tonight and I try three times to put her down. She’s asleep and I do the ridiculous amount of dishes since our dishwasher is still broken & the amount of parts they have to order is worth more than the entire piece of shit dishwasher. So less than two hours after I feel the best I’ve felt in a long time I am now exhausted.

As I was washing the baby's bottles tonight, the warm water that flowed over my dry, cracking hands made me wish for a hot bath. I glanced over at the semi-sleeping babe to see if I could sneak away for a 10 minute soak, just in time to see her hands make her way to her mouth- a sure sign she will wake in moments for dinner. I realized this is the first time I craved a bath in weeks. Usually if I get some time to myself, I spend it sleeping. I didn't realize that I looked that exhausted until I was getting a much needed haircut. I gasped and my hairdresser must have seen what I saw because she left and returned with eye cream, bronzer and lip gloss. The beautiful red in the lip gloss brought out the blood shot in my eyes. The bronzer made me want to go tanning. And the eye cream was magical-I didn't know my eyes were puffy until they instantly felt relieved of pressure as she dabbed the cold cream around them.

Now back to my bath-I want one. Bad. No, I NEED one. I need to close my eyes in the hot steam and soak in the bath salt filled water. I need to enjoy a large glass of wine and lather myself in very strong scented, expensive body wash. I need to doze off and wake up feeling like the whole world has been lifted off of my shoulders. Don't get me wrong, the world on my shoulders is the most beautiful, perfect little girl that I love more than anything. But, sometimes she gets pretty heavy.

I will have my bath. I will have it soon.

What I've learned about me

So, I realize I haven't posted in a LONG time! It's been crazy getting back to work, most of the time I'm not even sure what day of the week it is, let alone try to write a post that anyone would be able to comprehend. To sum up the past few weeks, I am going to list all the things that I have learned about myself and being a mother......


1. A smile really can melt your heart.
2. Multitasking is an art.
3. Some of the best conversations I've ever had were had with only vowels.
4. Pacifiers are magical.
5. I can run on a string of 2 hour naps quite well.
6. Her pain is way worse than mine.
7. I don't feel bad about letting housework get out of control because I HAVE to hold her.
8. There really is a stay at home mom somewhere inside me. Something I never thought I'd say.
9. I want to take care of myself for her.
10. When I am not with her, I'm thinking or talking about her.
11. I loose track of time and run out of it quickly....speaking of, got a crying baby!

Daycare searching

With less than 2 weeks left of my maternity leave, I am on a quest to find daycare. Yes, I know I waited until last minute-that's how I do everything in my life. As I have learned, it's a bit of nightmare. So I started searching on the Dept of Human Services website for registered day-cares. The first couple of places I called were actual centers and charged over $150-$200 a week. A WEEK! That's $600-$800 a month! That's a months rent, two car payments or 3 months of food! If I didn't have tens of thousands of in school debt, I could just be a stay at home mother with those prices. So, obviously centers are not the way for us to go.

Now, I start searching for in-home daycare. I look on Craigslist . This is where it gets interesting. Several of the ads are pretty vague. Some are too detailed, some are just creepy. I found several promising hugs, kisses and snuggles. Of course I want my baby to be loved but the thought of a complete stranger snuggling my daughter gives me the heebee geebees. Some ads specify which gender they prefer-why? I thought this was for daycare, not a personal ad. Anyways, in-home is much cheaper so I am determined to find someone. I had my first interview tonight.

The woman who runs the place is very nice. That's the only thing I liked. I arrived at the home the daycare is set up in. A mobile home in a park not more than a 10 minute drive from our apartment. The woman who answered the door was in her late 30's sporting a Marilyn piercing in her lip.I thought this piercing was only okay on college students or people who have piercings and tattoos all over the place, not middle aged stay at home mothers who have haircuts like the Mom from the Duggar's family on 19 Kids & Counting. As we started the interview, I quickly realized she wasn't what I was looking for. She wasn't registered with DHS, she had no CPR training and her home was, for lack of a better word, trashed. Like I said, she was nice, I guess she had that going for her.

This is a bit discouraging to say the least. Wish me luck on my future interviews.....

A change of plans

When I started college I had a plan. It wasn't much of a plan and it was mostly-go with the flow and see what happens. But, nowhere in that plan did I include becoming a mother. My first thought when I found out I was pregnant was "I've never even changed a diaper." Not excitement or fear or anger or happiness, just straight up cluelessness. I forget to eat or shower myself sometimes, how the hell was I supposed to remember to feed and take care of another human being.

Once I was out of college, my only plan was to get a job. I had thought a lot about marriage and buying a house, but again, I had not put having children high on my list of things to do. My boyfriend, now my husband, and I had talked a lot about getting a dog. We looked into different housing options that would allow us to have a dog. We looked into adopting a dog. We decided on several breeds that we would want. We did our homework. What we got instead was a baby.

When people said that our life as we knew it was over, I knew they were right. What I didn't know was that they meant it in every sense of the word. Emotionally, physically, and mentally my life has changed. Emotionally I feel more love, compassion and warmth. I also got something unexpected though-anger. I've never been an angry person. I've always let things just roll off my shoulders, never let little things bug me. But once I was in my second trimester of pregnancy, I wanted to kill most people. It was almost like all the anger I should've felt throughout my life pre-pregnancy was now coming rushing out. I have road rage. "Fuck you" and "asshole" are now part of my everyday vocabulary. My middle finger has become a very powerful tool. Even though I am not very religious I find myself apologizing to God after I have my anger spouts.

Physically I have changed. Things have shifted and morphed, stretched and relocated. I used to be proud of my nether regions and other womanly parts. Now I am terrified to see myself naked. I thought I was curvy before with child bearing hips. Now I have several children bearing hips. I have what I like to call "mom butt"-it is taller than it is wide, reaching the middle of my back instead of stopping at my hips. Half way through my third trimester I thought I would get away with minimal stretch marks, until one day they seemed to magically quadruple. It now looks like I have flames crawling up the front of my belly. If I am not careful, some of my pants give me a nice Walmart FUPA.

Most of all I have changed mentally. I wonder sometimes if I'm still sane. Other days I think I got it all together and will be alright. Some days I get the mommy blues while others I am so overwhelmed with joy that I think my life will momentarily breakout into a happy musical with people singing and dancing on tables and a parade will come marching through my apartment. My first thought in the morning isn't about coffee and breakfast for myself. It's about poopy diapers and her breakfast. I don't decide what to wear while I am in the shower because I am too busy listening to whether or not I have a screaming baby in the other room. Instead of finding an outfit that makes my butt look nice while still looking professional, I look for something that won't give me a FUPA and that can be changed easily in the event of a poop splatter. My entire day revolves around her.  I even find myself talking in third person, saying "Mommy needs a shower", "Mommy loves you", "Mommy needs a happy pill today."

I am enjoying being a mother, but I have to wonder, will I ever get the non-mother part back? Or is she perpetually lost in the world of mommyhood? Will my wardrobe change? Will my body ever try to correct itself? Will I ever get the chance to get drunk and say something stupid again? Will I ever be as entertained by anything as I am with her? Is it possible to love another child as much as I love her? These are all things I ponder everyday. Where did pre-pregnancy me go?

My world has been turned upside down....

I am officially a new mother. A new mother of a beautiful little girl. After 14+ hours of labor, 2 grueling hours of pushing, too much blood loss, puking my guts out, slipping in and out of consciousness, multiple stitches and reminding myself over and over that it has to be worth it in the end, I am a mother. How terrifying that anyone would let me be responsible for another human being. It took me years to get the hang of keeping houseplants and caged animals alive-I am sure I am the only person who has actually killed a cactus and a gecko, 2 organisms that require only minimal care and responsibility.

Now a little over 3 weeks old, I have learned more from my daughter than I did my entire college career. Providing hands on training, she has taught me that mental breakdowns can come without warning or bias to time and place, changing a diaper should not be a leisurely event, I can still get jealous like a middle schooler, and that daytime TV sucks.

One of my biggest fears when I was pregnant was that having a baby would put strain on my marriage. I was very wrong. My husband and I are closer than ever. I want him more than I ever did and he has been the rock that keeps me grounded in the world of baby. Whenever I feel like throwing her out the window, he reminds me that she can't fly. He knows when I've hit my diaper changing limit and takes the burden of possible blow outs and poop splattered t-shirts. If I'm lacking sleep and start staring at the wall oblivious to the screaming baby in my arms he forces me to bed and knows how to quiet her in his big, strong hands. I could not have done this without him and I am sure I will learn just as much from him as I will from her.

Although I have fallen in love her and I would die for her, she has turned my life into a chaotic, messy, entertaining world and I plan to share it. Here I jump with hesitation, doubt, fear and excitment into the tornado of diapers, screams, tears and laughter of baby......